Talking to Yourself

Okay so this blog is really becoming a bit more serious than I expected...  But hey, this is my introspective life at the moment (when I get a chance to actually think!). 

Reading a book the other day (John Piper's "When I Don't Desire God") and read this quote that really struck me:

"Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact that you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself?... Self, listen for a moment; I will speak to you." 

- Martin Lloyd Jones

 

I found this incredibly profound and pertinent for my life currently.  It challenged me b/c I realized that for most of my day, I'm listening to myself.  "I feel tired. I want to lay on the couch. I'm not a good mom, my kid is watching tv - again.   I need more friends, why does no one like me?  No one from home has contacted me in awhile, they must have forgotten that I exist. I should be a better Christian - where is my Bible again?  My house is not clean, I'm not a good wife."  And on and on and on and on.  Honestly, these are the thoughts that run through my head all day long.  And I let them.  They sit there, unchallenged. 

 

Now, I am not a proponent at all of "stuffing" or disregarding emotions.  I believe emotions are really important and tell us significant things about the state of our hearts and souls.  I think they're worth pursuing, sharing and taking note of.  But that doesn't mean that these feelings have to run our lives.  And in fact, I think our thoughts and often feelings too need to be challenged/confronted with truth.  Truth about our identity.  About love and other people.  And if you're a believer, about who Christ is and what He has done and what that means.  A huge percentage of the day - well, if you're me at least - is spent "taking in"/listening to either myself or to the world.  From tv, people around me, advertisements, etc.  That input really really needs to be balanced out by a healthy dose of perspective.  See, I believe that the spiritual realm is real.  That often what God is doing behind the scenes is even more real than what we can see with our frail human eyes.  And I need CONSTANT reminders of those spiritual truths, of what is true and real and what I can plant my feet and my hope on.  Without it, I am just a little dingy tossed about on the crazy ocean waves of feelings and human thoughts.

 

Self - listen for a moment; I will speak to you...

Don't Have a Seat - the glaring lack of public seating in malls in Beirut

There's a few ideas whirling around in my head on what to blog about... But considering my waning energy and the late hour, I'll go with the one that requires the least amount of effort: mall benches.

Silly that it's taken me 11 months to identify this, but I realized yesterday evening that I have never even ONCE seen a bench in a mall in Beirut.  I've been to a bunch of malls - ABC Achrafieh, LeMall Sin-el-Fil and Dbayeh , City Mall, and the new City Center- and probably a few more.  All of a sudden while walking around with Valor, it hit me... NO BENCHES.  Not a single place a person could sit down that's "free of charge."  No fountains or greenery or wide open spaces either (not sure if they're connected).  Plenty of cafe seating, but nothing where I could just sit down for a second to tie my shoe.  Or feed a snack to my toddler.  Or rest my weary legs.  Or just people watch. 

For the Lebanese reading this, you have to know a bit more about "mall culture" in the States.  Well, not that I know a lot about mall culture.  But most, if not all malls have benches and fountains and plants/trees throughout.  There are plenty of places to sit.  One thing this leads to is lots of "loitering" - especially by teenagers on weekend nights.  (it's free and you can be with your friends!)

I actually am not bothered by the lack of benches.  I don't need one, and if I really did, I'd probably just pay for a cup of coffee and sit at the cafe!  I'm just totally curious about this phenomenon and what it means.  Is it cultural?  Or is it just a product of environment?   I'm thinking maybe:
- it's a way for the cafes to make more money because sitting = paying? or
-  they have to maximize use of space b/c there's not much space in Beirut - malls can't be bigger and benches would severely impact pedestrian traffic (although I'm thinking about City Mall in my head and they could afford some benches in a few places!)

Any thoughts?  Particularly interested in the Lebanese or permanent residents' thoughts on this!!! 

Quit Pointing Your Avocado AT ME

Read this article yesterday.  I felt like she was speaking directly to me!  She was intentionally writing her article AT ME. 

I've never experienced the avocado thing - because let's face it - I carry avocado's because it's the only thing I can consistently get my sweet daughter to eat!  But I can relate to feeling like "it's a hostile world" and feeling judged at every turn.  With my husband, his lebanese relatives, other moms, coworkers, people's online posts.  EVERY TURN.  And in my mind, it's always their fault.  They shouldn't be living in such a judgmental way - making other people feel bad...

My dear husband is usually the one to reveal the "cracks" in my worldview and this is no exception.  Except before I realize how wrong I am, I usually lash out about his "judgment."  In reality, his words/glance/actions have NOTHING to do with me.  But my reading of them and reaction to them is the problem. Still trying to figure out what exactly it is that makes me take things so personally.  Feeling inadequate in certain areas?  Listening to lies about myself?  The author of this article doesn't mince words, "Feeling judged by other people's decisions is an insanely ego-centric way to live."  Ouch. 

Thankful for hard truth and the internet that lets people declare it. 

Quit Pointing Your Avocado AT ME

PS - You can run AT ME all you want, I'm still not going to start running!

Homemade Bagels

So there are lots of people in my life who have "gone before"... aka have left America and taken up residence overseas.  There are gazillions of things I respect and love about them, but one that stands out is their incredible ability to get creative and create "like-home" treasures given their countries' limitations.  A group of folks I know overseas started making their own BAGELS.  To me this sounds delicious, but waaaaay beyond my abilities!  But they swore by them and continued to make the deliciousness over and over.   I tucked their recipe away for "a rainy day" when I feel really brave and/or become a professional baker. 

Little did I know that very soon after God's plan for me would also involve leaving America and taking up residence in a land far, far away.  I've been here for a little over 10 months.  And I've seen ZERO bagels.  This is surprising, as the Lebanese pride themselves on their "westernness" and purchase all kinds of imports from the US and Europe on a daily basis. Mostly anything I've wanted from home, I've been able to find here.  We're kind of spoiled in that sense actually. 
So what is it that brought that puffy bready goodness to mind?  Flat-out HOMESICKNESS.  It's summer.  I love summer.  At home.  In America.  Picnics, pools, beaches, staying up late outside with friends, camping, working in the garden, catching lightning bugs, family reunions, Spruce Lake, vacation, walks at dusk in my hometown... the list is seriously endless.  Life is great here - and I'm certainly not complaining.  Lebanon is not bad, just different.  And, as is completely appropriate and "normal" - I miss home!  The last time I had a bagel in America was, oh probably years ago!  But now - as soon as the thought came to mind, it was like "I HAVE TO HAVE THEM NOW!"

I won't go through the whole process here... But needless to say, every step was just as they said it on the recipe.  It wasn't difficult by any means.  Just involved lots of steps, and an overnight (I'm not very good at planning these types of "let-it-sit-in-the-refrigerator-overnight" kind of things). 

But the result?  OH.  OH OH OH OH OH.  I couldn't stop at one.  I ate one.  Still warm from the oven.  And then I gave some to Valor.  And then I ate some more...  Seriously the best bagels I have ever eaten.  Is that because I haven't had one in a long time and I live in the Middle East and I'm homesick?  Perhaps.  I don't care.  It was worth the time and the sweat.   

PS - I also found a bottle of Heinz Sweet Relish and snatched it up immediately.  It made me immensely (but superficially) happy.  I proceeded to make tuna salad with it.  And a "Big Mac Salad."  And tomorrow I'll probably put it on a hot dog. Do I love relish?  Not at all.  Weird things happen to you when you move overseas!